Introduction
Greetings, salutations etc.;
Welcome to my web site. I hope you find something here that will make a difference in your life, or at least get you all thinking about it.
Please read the next section below, titled "To All of you who are Narrow Minded" It's an important part of feedback I receive about this website.
First,the boring stuff, but I think its important for those of you that view this site and my "Erotica" site that you have some basic facts about me. I am basically a Tampa, FL. native. Though my life has brought me all over the world and country, Tampa has been my home for the past 30 years. Though I did try to leave a couple months ago, I came back as this is truly my home. Arizona was just not the place for me.
As you can see through out this entire web site I'm a writer not by choice so much but by the need. Since the age of 10 I have been writing. My imagination has always run wild and its also a way for me to express my thoughts feelings and emotions. I have only a high school diploma, barely passing I may ad. That was just a lack of caring then. Now though, it would be wonderful to go back to school and train to be a teacher, a therapist or some form of healer. Maybe, one day, I still have time.
I truly believe that a writer is born a writer. You cannot teach someone how to have a creative mind, nor do I believe in writing courses, schooling of such etc. The school of "Life" is the most important teacher we will all ever have...I have my own style my own way with words and do not want anyone to impose their impressionistic ways upon me.
The magazine I do read is Writers Digest, at times I get quite irritated with the way they instruct you how to plot and plan characters etc. Therefore I do not read them much. The way I write is just in my head, I sit down and write sometimes for hours at a time, no plot no character's theme, etc. Just what is in my head. Maybe I'm defined as "Raw" as an ex-boyfriend stated to me.
It is my hope that when you come across my web sites, and read my pages and writings that you will gain a glimpse of what goes on in an artist's mind. We are an unconventional sort, but it makes the world a far better place, to have dreams and fantasies and vivid imaginations to capture ones attention. It is difficult at times for some of us to live in this world in the way that it seems or appears to us. By that I mean our imaginings and minds are deeply touched by the simplest of things in life, and some of the most complex and difficult things are easier for us to grasp. I’m sure that sentence doesn't make much sense to some but those who know understand. Writing is something that I have to do. Just as we have to breath and drink water to live in our human shells, writing is my oxygen, my water, and my nourishment.
Some of the things I write are very obscure and seemingly ramblings from an insane asylum ward. But, suppose that "normal" (I loathe that word), is the opposite of what the parameters of normalcy is defined as? I feel at times that I may be a freak of nature; my mind seems to twist and gnarl at the endings of my nerve cells. How can we compare normalcy with what is bizarre? I feel that society has given some of us a bad name, in the sense that just because we are different we are sometimes ostracized or outcasts, only because the ones who make up the guidelines for normal, bizarre, strange, what have you etc, you know all the words, for they are fearful of us who are free-thinkers, philosophers, visionaries, lunatics, mental patients; they all have at least one thing in common and that is imagination. Is it possible that we are different because we are carried through life not by others but as individuals and independent people who have seen their share of grief, heartache, torment and hard times? Perhaps, we are born this way with a significant amount of brain chemicals that differ from others. I have no idea, but I question this every day of my life. It always a searching an adventure, the mind, the senses, the psyche, an un ending battle or endurance for more for answers, for the unknown, almost a hunger a deep hunger that never seems to be satisfied. I have such difficulty in trying to explain all of this, there seems to be no words in existence to describe the way I feel or the way my mind works. All I know is that even when I'm listening to music I get this deep rush, this feeling of pure emotion that brings me to tears or joy that to you I cannot explain how deep the feeling is. How it feels, the pulsating of my nerve endings, my head filled with euphoria, and excitement of the wonderment of music, lyrics, simple words, its somewhat embarrassing but those who know and feel this deeply as I do truly understand what I’m saying or trying to say. This is why I have to write, not just compelled to write but the need the urge to get it down on paper. For me to speak aloud is often difficult in translating my words in the mind to words from the tongue. As I think about what else to put here about myself, I'm thinking about Cat Stevens, listening to a CD that belonged to my beloved best friend Uli who recently passed away from breast cancer. I listen to this music its mellow tunes, and strong meaning in the lyrics and I just think to myself how beautiful this man was not just his voice but his words, so much meaning and beauty that I am easily brought to tears, the emotional pull as the music is felt through out my entire body, mind and soul meet along with memories that are held to these old tunes...
Thank you for stopping in, and don't forget to sign the guest book and leave comments and anything else you may want to add...
To All of you who are narrow minded...
We all have our opinions and are entitled to such as we are individuals with different ideas of how we perceive the world.
I have recently received some negative feedback about my web site, this is to be expected of course. One woman wrote and I quote " You are a sick woman who needs to be in a mental hospital" she signed herself as Jacqueline D. no last name. I would have liked to reply to her but she just didn't have the courage or the guts to leave her email address or last name. She is part of the "99" percent of the population that I name "The regular people" who follow and do not lead nor have their own minds, who are brainwashed by society. My opinion of course. This is part of what makes it difficult for me to live in this so called "Society" of normalcy??? Define normal and I can give you a thousand definitions and receive lots of arguments. But how do we know whoever decided what normalcy is can be correct? I do question so many things, therefore I am a "Free Spirit" with my own mind who does not follow the pack. We cant all be alike this if we were the world as we know it would be a very boring place.
My point and before I get to it, I may ad I received another comment that I need "Jesus in my life and that the "Devil" is in me! How do these people know this? Again another source of being brainwashed by religion, a "Crutch" these people need to hang onto for fear of becoming insane? So the point to this is that I am a free thinker who gets bashed by others who don't share my opinions? Do I bash them for not sharing mine? No, I respect others opinions, I understand people as they are taught to believe in "God" or "Buddha" or whoever. I feel that what you believe in is your right and I'm not going to criticize you for your beliefs. But isn't that part of your religious beliefs that "God" forgives and is all understanding? So may I suggest that those of you who say they are "God fearing people" are actually very contradictory in your beliefs? Since you say the only way is "Gods" way, isn't that contradictory of you then to bash me for my beliefs as I said before He is "All understanding" that is your belief right? So now you sit in judgment of me, when you believe "God" is not judgmental but loves all equally, hmmm... this makes no sense to me then and makes me think, in my opinion of course that you are not at all believers in "God" "Jesus" etc. if you were you wouldn't be in judgment of me.
I am a very understanding person who sees all sides of a situation, of life and of people. People who do things in my mind as bad or evil or otherwise are just human. Nothing wrong with any of it. I am emphathetic with the way and why we all do things we do even if they are seen as "bad", "horrible", "cruel" etc. It's human nature we are all individuals, and it's okay...I don't sit in judgment of anyone, It's not my place.
As far as being in a mental hospital, sorry to say but I don't need to be in one. If you think I do, then perhaps you need to look at celebrities, other writers and even yourselves, I mean look deeply into your souls and question why you believe in the things you do. No one has all the answers no one can sit in judgment of right or wrong, except the "Superior Being" that some call "God" ...
I hope to hear from more of you out there...
Arizona-the big move and bigger mistake...
Written around- - - - December-05 to January 06...
In trying to get my life on track, and to keep writing my books I feel the need to move from Florida.
The mountains are calling me and I need to go soon. After my best friend Uli passes to the other side, I think it will be time for me to go seek tranquility in those mountains. This is a difficult phase of my life watching someone I trust and whom I am so close to wither away eaten up with cancer. Uli is the only person in my 44 years of life that I have trusted so completely. I feel that I can count on her 100% no matter what. She does not judge me and she understands who I am and why I am. No one, and I mean no one has ever been able to get so close to me and Im afraid it will never happen again. I've had to much hurt in my life, too many struggles, and Im ready to be alone and happy in the mountains. I was thinking I would be happy in a tent amongst the wild animals and the beauty of nature. As animals do not judge you, as most people have...I have come to accept that it is very hard for anyone to understand me and to be able to put up with my mood swings. Believe me, I wish I could feel "normal" what that may be Im not sure, maybe I have felt that way, but who knows as ones perception of "normalcy" is to ones perception of "insanity" ... Please read my bio and my novel excerpts, I think most of you will find them very enlightening and especially the psychiatrists out there may use me as an example. Hey, Im a tough one I am a survivor, and I do go on. But this time I feel I need to do what's best for me and to recluse in the mountains, write my books, and hopefully start a chapter for the DBSA-Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. It is my dream to help others with mood disorders and be there for them and their friends and families to make a difference in understanding that they are truly not alone.
Post Arizona...
Yes, I was there-Arizona, I made it but it didn't last long...The trek took three days, in the car, with the cat and the trunk and seats packed to the brim. Im sure I will be writing a short story about this venture. My friends and family know what happened and why I came back.
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