Bipolar
My bipolar disorder has gotten much worse over the last year and a half or so. I have been sent to the E.R twice for my suicidal ideas and plans, thoughts etc. It has been a rough period for me as I haven’t been this bad since I was in my early 20's I am now 46.
I think it all started when I moved to Arizona, (there are stories I posted and poems on here about that time in 1/2006. Probably earlier 10/06 when I was Baker acted. My best friend died in 11/06. So I had to leave go far run away be alone and not bothered. That turned out bad as I had a breakdown a few days after I was in Bisbee, AZ. I lasted at my job 3 days, and wanted to go home. Afraid, alone and very depressed. After a day or two of contemplating suicide or going home, I called my movers and told them to go back to Florida.
So I was back home 3 weeks later. I could not find a job, with all my medical background. When April rolled around I broke my wrist, had surgery pins and long rods. I was getting low on funds quickly so after I had my second cast put on I drove all over for interviews, they saw my arm and I know that is what stopped me. I told them all that I could still work, no luck until May. Got a good job worked hard and they were surprised of my capabilities with one arm. I was still a little depressed, but I was able to hide it. Then a few months down the road my depression got worse, as usual my Dr. and I discussed changing mood stabilizers and change antidepressants. I usually have to change meds about every 2 years. But this time I was changing them like my underwear. I don’t know why the depression was worsening and mania was long lost. The last manic episode I had was when I was planning my move to AZ, while my best friend was dying, as I knew I had to leave. My Doctor and I went from one med. to another and going back to meds I took years ago and combing them so now instead of 2 meds I was taking about 5 different combinations. It lasted for a few months then I had to change combos again and again. Finally in 11/06 I was sent to the E.R by my office for psyche eval I was on the verge of suicide, I cried 24/7 and was wanting to die so badly. I know that people who have not experienced this probably cannot understand it. It has nothing to do with being weak or crazy. I am a very strong person and hate so badly feeling this way. I would rather have a terminal illness or high blood pressure or heart disease than this. My illness is so complex it boggles the mind. I am so sick of it and so afraid that I will have to get Electric shock treatment. I think my illness has gotten worse because I went through menopause the last couple of years and didn’t know it.
Now, after all that I was put on involuntary medical leave, that was ok with me as I needed to give the new meds a chance to work. So I was back at work end of November, then on 12/26 I was laid off. After this I got a job at one of the area hospitals-I lasted 3 days, they let me go. I was not a good fit they said. So, on employment. Then I got another job with a Community Health Care Center after working there a month and a half from 3/04th to 4/20th I was told I was not functioning up to the level they expected. Back on unemployment again. A bit depressed and feeling worthless like I was just no good anymore, I took a rest for a week. Yet I looked again for a job and got another one on 6/18 and lasted for 3 days, I was not going to work out they said. Back on unemployment (well waiting for the review process again)
Now I am at my wits end, I do not understand what is happening, I worked hard at all 3 jobs and was not depressed. Now my medications are not so good either. I stopped the Lithium because of weight gain, then went down hill into deep depression again. So last week I started a different Lithium and two weeks prior another med to help me sleep at night. I have been so badly depressed and feeling bad about me I have been so physically exhausted and mentally. I can’t think as well as I used to and I am slower. But I think this was happening at a couple of those short jobs. I just don’t have the memory or speed I had my whole life. I have slowed down so much in the last 1.5 years. I don’t think its going to change much.
So, I have an appt. with Vocational Rehab. I have to work otherwise I feel useless and will go insane. In the meantime I m looking for volunteer jobs, I am ready now as I have gotten some of my energy back. I have also filed for mental disability. I hate to do that but I have to have a back up plan just in case. I know I cant do the work I used to do which is Managing doctors offices, billing, collections, coding, credentialing etc. Just don’t have the skills any longer. I don’t know why, or if I ever will again.
I have to call my doctor on Monday to tell him how the new Lithium is working, not very well so maybe we will increase it, who knows. I’m just so sick and tired of this life long illness. It is so hard I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is. I have also started going back to a support group. D.B.S.A. a.k.a. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.
Any one out there has any comments or questions, or need help please respond. I am also a caretaker of mentally ill people; I help them by listening and give my advice if wanted.
Lauri A Nally
Disability
By: Lauri A. Cromack-Nally
It’s Monday and I hear a shrill beeping sound while I’m dreaming. Half-awake half-sleeping in a daze. I recall falling asleep in English class, must be the school bell ringing; time to change classes. Suddenly I realize it is a dream, it is my alarm clock, with that loud obnoxious noise telling me to get out of bed and on to work.
So like many others in this busy and crazy world; work and work hard its time to get up shower drink coffee and watch the news.
Today though, I can’t seem to get up. This is not new; its happened so many times through out my life. I’m just not well. But I know I will get over it. It always goes away. For a while anyhow. But lately it seems to linger, hanging on hard and dragging me down. Making me feel so sick. I tell myself I will just call my doctor. He, after all is the one that I trust so much I have been seeing him for over 17 years now, he always knows what to do. I’m not any better in a few days I will call. Time passes; work keeps me so busy the healthcare field has always been this way. Plus the enormous amount of stress that comes with it.
I have no face, only eyes. Bipolar disorder is not visible so why should a face be put with it? We are all voiceless at times. We are diseased with no visible signs. We are misunderstood, and forgotten. We are called crazy, insane, psycho. This disease is something you cannot see. But remember we can see you, we have eyes.
My exhaustion has worsened
Bipolar women and Menopause
It was the beginning of October 2005 and I was well on my way planning a move from Florida to Bisbee, AZ, population 5000 or so. The reason being was two-fold. And I will now explain it all to you.
My best friend Ulrike Miller was just returning home from Germany where she was born. Her mother wouldn't fly to the states to see her so, Uli who was terminally ill of breast cancer had no choice but to go herself. She had to say her goodbyes to her family.
When she returned that October she had planned a trip to Brazil to see a world renowned faith healer; and I had every belief this was was going to save her life. Well, she was not well enough to travel anymore and I was devastated. I really thought that she wasn't going to die and somehow this miraculous faith healer would save her life.This started my down hill battle with my bipolar illness. Not that it hasn't always been up an down my whole life, I would be lying If I said that was not the case. But this mania had set in and I just knew Uli would never die , she would always be around. Uli was my sister in life the closest I've ever been to anyone. Not even my two ex-husbands came as close to me as i was with her. Uli had taught me a lot of important life lessons, and the meaning of true friendship. How could I lose this person who was only 42 and meant the world to me, she was my rock, my soul mate sister. At the same time all this was going on i was in "Menopause" I was 44 had a partial hysterectomy 3 years prior, but had no idea the other symptoms I was having was due to this, I thought It was just the shock of my best friend dyeing.
We, our friends and family decided to throw a fund raiser for Uli to raise funds for her to do with the money whatever she wanted. The fundraiser was a wonderful thing held at San Antonio Lounge, in San Ann FL. It was a huge event with food, auction, bake sales and all. It was great. We raised over $10,000.00 for her. Unfortunately, she didn't have much of a chance to use much of it. Also during this time when the reality of her dying, the doctors saying there was nothing left to do for her, I was planning a trip. I would talk to Uli and tell her if she could travel one more time, I would go with her and I wasn't going to come back. Meaning, when she died wherever we were I would die with her. This is how much she meant to me. During this time in October we had Hospice come to the house, we shared a house, and my bedroom was right across from hers. This was a very hard time, and Uli was now too sick to travel. So in my manic mode I was looking up and studying Arizona and all the towns. For some reason, Arizona called to me. Maybe it was because Uli had great beliefs in the Native Americans, and I wanted to be closer to them. Also, I wanted to be isolated and away from this cruel world. Uli told me many times that I really should visit the place before I move there. NO, I said, I have to go. When my mind is made up there is no turning back.
A few weeks before Uli passed, I had to change my antidepressantsi though my doctor and I discussed that we should wait because of Uli dying and all. But we had to ween me off the stuff, it was no longer working. Well, I became extremely suicidal and depressed, and ended up being "Baker Acted" Well, the psyche ward at Tampa General was not what I thought it would be. Not like the private hospitals I was in as a teenager. I was only at TGH for a few days, they put me on new meds and "Lamictal" a mood stabilizer.
I was felling better after a few days, and continued my research of AZ. I found a town called "Bisbee" right on the Mexican border. What a beautiful place, canyons, mountains, and a small 5000 some population. Plus it is an artist town which was great for me since I'm a poet and a book writer.
I found a cute cottage to live in, paid the rents, hooked up my phone, cable, gas, electric and all. I even found a job over the phone as an office manager for a podiatry office. I was set. I was ready to go after Uli passed. I wanted nothing more to do with Florida and anyone here, there seemed to be nothing left for me and I wanted to go. Though my son fought me on this but I was not turning back.
As Uli became worse and worse I floated through mania, and depression, back and forth it was a horrible time. I stayed home from work for two weeks because I knew the time was coming. The hospice nurses told us it was coming close and I feared Uli's death. How could I possibly handle this? The only way was to run away from Florida run away and forget. Two nights before Uli passed I slept on her bedroom floor with my hand on hers while she slept. Somehow I knew it would be the next night that she would pass.
After not leaving the house for two weeks afraid to go anywhere in case she died, I spent whatever time I could looking at her and watching her sister Evi feed her and comfort her.This was the worst part of my life so far. On Nov 4, 2005 at 2:28 AM the hospice nurse went around to all the bedrooms to wake everyone up. She was German incredibly. She told us it was time. I was so afraid, and scared, I went into Uli's room, held her hand told her how much I loved her and that It is okay now. She needs to be able to rest and to be out of pain. There was a crowd of us in the room, friends and family... Uli opened her eyes, took one breath and then closed her eyes. She was gone. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want them to take her away, I wanted to keep her just like she was, they cant take my best friend from ,me, I need her so badly.
Evi, Uli's sister bathed her and put baby lotion on her , and I wanted to fix her hair, and put a little lipstick on her. I also took one of my moms old rosaries and wrapped it in Ulis hands...
When the funeral home arrived, I didn't want them to take her away. It was so so hard, it was horrible. They gave me back my Moms rosary later, which Uli held in her hands. This now hangs on my dresser mirror with some other precious things I have of Ulis'. Even the t-shirt she died in; purple, with and Indian woman's face and an owl on it hangs on my bedroom wall; stretched over canvas, unwashed of course. When I talk to Uli I talk to the t-shirt. Its the first thing I see every morning and every night before I go to bed.
Its now 1/2006 and the movers have been here to pick up my stuff for Arizona. Little did I know at the time I was in an extreme manic phase and what I didn't know I was going through menopause as well. After the 3 day drive with the cat in the front seat and being exhausted, I began to gradually break down. After about a week I was so depressed I was becoming suicidal. I didn't like my new job and since I was so depressed I couldn't function. Bisbee was and is beautiful but I feared If i didn't call the movers to cancel them I would do myself in. Fall off the canyon or something, who knows. I was not supposed to be here and discovered later that "Bipolar and Menopause" plus the death of my best friend were all factors playing into the misguiding of myself.
So, after cancelling the movers, and driving for another 3 days back to Florida I was home and depressed. I failed. It would take me a long time to get back on my feet. I was out of work for three months and during that time badly broke my left wrist, (fragile bones clue to menopause). I had to have surgery and 3 pins put in. And I asked God, "Why oh why do I have to endure this suffering all my life?"
Being Bipolar was bad enough. But if you ever read my life story on my website www.moodcycles.com. You will greatly understand more of this "Why?"
Eventually I got a job in May of 2006, and I'm still working there. Though the past 13 months have been steady with the depression and the moods and no mania. Then another medication change, and this one doesn't work, blood work, all my blood work is fine. Then I realize I have been having hot flashes and other symptoms of menopause. A friend at work who is a nurse suggested that I get checked for a hormonal imbalance. Sure enough! I'm Post menopause! This explains a lot of the worsening problems. That is fine and dandy, get hormones, but I'm still not better.Nov 9, 2006 my condition worsens, actually it has been bad for over a year now. It started at the time of Uli's death, and never stopped. I didn't seek help from my doctor I thought I would get through it. Then Nov 9, 2006 I told a co-worker that I have plenty of pills to overdose on and I was planning suicide and asked her not to say anything. Well, I told her I wasn't going to do it, and my office had been worried about me for months. I called my doctor. My boss called my friend and they also called my doctor. He told me I needed to go to the ER. A coworker brought me I was willing but didn't want to be on that psyche ward again. I stayed overnight and my doctor talked to me and he trusted me not to commit suicide we go back almost 20 year's. He did increase my anti depressant and started me on "Lithium" It took a few days to work as I was still planning to commit suicide, I had a plan and all I needed to do it. But I held on to whatever I had to hold onto.
As you may ascertain from this the Bipolar illness and the death of my best friend started it, but the menopause made it a hell of a lot worse. I just wanted to make sure that all Bipolar women who go through menopause got to read this. It may save your life.
Lauri A Cromack-Nally
