First Book I published...
© 20005 by Lauri A. Cromack-Nally.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a
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written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote
brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.
First printing
ISBN: 1-4137-7189-0
PUBLISHED BY PUBLISHAMERICA, LLLP
www.publishamerica.com
Baltimore
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN#1-4137-7189-0
Cover of my book
Imagine waking up one day, as I did once, and realizing that life is still in full swing, even after your many attempts to take your own life. Imagine drifting through life on a roller coaster ride, not knowing if or when the car will ever stop. The answers you seek within yourself cannot be clearly articulated in mere words, but they slowly shape themselves into thoughts as you try to capture them on the page. Imagine not having the vocabulary or the means to express yourself. Reality, for such a person, can be a hard concept to swallow, but I face it each and every day. Often I find myself asking, “Why am I still here?” The reality of my constant struggle sets in and I often wonder too, “Does anyone else feel this way?” My strength and stubbornness to persevere are sometimes blessings in disguise. In fact, they prompted me to write this book as a means of explaining myself and my many moods. The poems here are my reflections, as I think about life in the context of where I have been and where I am going. They are what keep me alive!
Preface: Sacred Scribbles in Ink
I wanted to share some of my thoughts with the readers of my book tohelp them understand and gain more insight into my way of thinking and writing. The prose or poems written here are basically my thoughts put into words. I try to express myself through my writing. Some of the work is unusual to say the least, but this is how my mind works. I was diagnosed with mental illness at the age of 13, and some years later they diagnosed me as having bi-polar disorder. I began writing down my thoughts when I was 10 years old, creating stories and even being published in a school newspaper at the age of 11.
My purpose in having this book published was to let others who struggle with life on a daily basis (whether or not they have a mental illness) know that they are not alone. When I write my poetry, I have no control over what the outcome is. I just don’t sit down and think about what to write; I write down the thoughts I have in my head exactly as they come to me, and that’s what I call a poem or prose. Each one is different and pertains to the mood I am in at the moment. Perhaps I’m thinking back in time to a bad or good experience and I write about it. At times I can look at an object or a scenario and my mind creates a poem.
So far in my lifetime, I have been in many situations that have taught me hard life lessons. Yes, I have had quite a few bad experiences, and as you can see in some of the work, I have fought and rebelled against love, hope, and fear. But life does go on and I fight every day, to survive. Living with a mental illness is not easy. There are times when my depression gets so deep that I fear I won’t be able to come back out of it. Then there are the times when I become very "manic;" I get on a wonderful "high" and feel as if everything is right with the world. Sometimes I think that I would love to feel this way all the time, but such extreme emotions can be dangerous because they can lead to severe impulsiveness, and not thinking about what risks one may be taking. I’m thankful that I have the rationale to know what to do when I am in either of these extreme modes.I am also thankful for the few great friends I have to help me get through some of the obstacles in life. I believe all my life experiences have taught me many things-how to love, how to give, how to help others, and how to grow both mentally and spiritually. I wouldn’t change who I am or how I am. Life is a gift. I don’t think we choose they type of people we become; rather, it chooses us. Our experiences, our hopes our desires, what we do every day and in every moment of our lives make us who we are. Of course,we are shaped by circumstances and conditions. What time you get up in the morning, where you work, the people you associate with, the way you are raised, who you allow to come into your life-all of these affect us. But these parameters were all set long ago, by a power greater than us humans. Whether we choose one direction or another, it’s the way it was (and is) supposed to be. Some call this "destiny"; I call it "The Path." From the day we come onto this earth, the destination of who we will become begins. Life is a series of lessons taught; we learn from our experiences as humans. We are all individuals. Some of us go through life experiencing much more than others, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I firmly believe that the people who are forced to go through tough experiences from the beginning of life to the end of it are the ones who get the full meaning of what life is all about. As I have said, I am a survivor of many bad experiences-rape, incest, mental illness, and to top it off I was adopted as in infant. But I’m still here, surviving, taking many things in stride. I thank my lucky stars that I have developed the inner strength to overcome any obstacle. My purpose in life is to help others get through life and to teachthem that it can be wonderful. I want to encourage others, who are going through what I have gone through, not to give up hope, and to remind them they are not alone...We all need an outlet. Perhaps some choose the wrong one but that is their destination, their path, their life. At this time I am working on some other books, one of which is called "The Path". It’s a spiritual sort of book explaining my philosophy of life. On the other scope, I am also writing a collection of erotica. For me, writing words and forming sentences is my drink, my drug, my passion, my medicine.
A few poems from this book:
NOTE: I was outside gathering some of my poetry. The wind stirred up and flew my papers around I looked up at this tree in the yard and wondered about its being alive
"Society"
Shame and guilt crowd my head;
I see the tree sway in the wind
The mindless limbs
The wind blowing
My papers scattered about
I curse the wind!
It has no right
The tree stares on
Wondering of me
Its purity and clean
The dirty air it breathes
The guts of society
The rambling of voices
Whispers from far away
Cleanse, its duty
It keeps our secrets
Gently in its folds
Mother Nature, she knows the wisdom
She keeps my thoughts
Sees me curse the wind
My frustration taken
NOTE: Dedicated to Antonio Marco Zena, a great friend who was the final push I needed to do this book. And I met him on the net…he told me he didn’t satisfy his wife-I think she must be fucking nuts!
"The Walk"
He led her down the aisle
Soon would share their lives
All the memories of their pasts
Intertwined, to become as one
They felt safe and secure
Their happiness untouched
Lonely were they, no more
Unity, boundless hopes and dreams
Untouchable, no breaking of rules
Passion stirred within,
Passages, knowing, the unknown
Hidden desires, secrets, afraid of telling
Intimacy of one’s mind
Sharing, giving of one
Truth be held inside
Weakness in one, weakness in two
Opposition, negative or equality
Shared, not sacred,
Settling, breaking all rules, minds don’t speak
Two the same,
Ying and yang misses, not found
Black and white makes sense of it all
Opposition is desired, feed from the strength
The frenzy, difference desired
Equality is negativity
Strength the same, not desired, beheld not desired
Opposition is need
He is he, soft and warm, words
Keep in, the mind
She is she soft and warm, words
In time, need the strength
He is he, opposition needed in spirit and mind
She is she, opposition needed in spirit and mind
Ying and yang,
Black and white,
Souls are fleeing,
He be positive
She be positive
No ying no yang no black and white
NOTE:I just wrote this one. I have written at least seven today and while I was in the boat (my ex-husband and I had one and we were out in it every weekend), an egret came andwanted food. But also my mood now is yellow, bright sunshine, so here is what I see…
"Pete"
Barefoot in the sand I stride
Thinking of past memories along the shoreline
The boat brilliantly beaming
With its own joy of its presence
The sun shines upon its bough
The egret flocks in wandering about
Hungry it seeks great minnows
And shelter from its own prey
He happens upon the bough
Amazed, I feel his gentle presence
As I reach for his supper
His eyes are upon me,
The chance he takes, he has no fear of me
No real fear, he knows my gentle hand
He sees inside me, my soul my heart
We feel a connection within,
The egret, the sunshine,
The day, dazzling yellow
Brilliant in blue,
The egret I say,
Goodbye,
Fly off to your sundown,
The sky will be purple and gray
Keep away from others
They may make you their prey…
NOTE: While thinking about Longboat Key while waiting to get to know you (Chuck N.),I was inspired to write this one on the way to work one morning…
"Longboat"
Will you walk the shore with me,
Hand in hand, our footprints etched in the sand
Will you know my desires,
My vulnerabilities,
Do you promise not to harm me
If I tell my secrets
My past, my present, my future,
I will share the sand, the water,
The tide that drifts
My memories of childhood,
As I pick up the great whelk
I listen to the ocean sounds
My innocence, then
My mother tells me of the sound in the shell
Kept secretly in the core of the mollusk
Memories of far away beaches
Distant it echoes,
Glass bottom boats,
The sour smell of rubbing alcohol
Soothing my sun-heated skin
Will you be gentle and caring
My soul is weary, my needs simple
Walk the shore with me
Speak with me in our tongue,
Share with me
Your past, present, and future,
In return,
My gift to you is me
NOTE: Going through the different cycles and stages, from highs to lows, from mania to depression-this is what happens (in a nutshell) when I feel "normal" after all the cycles are over for the time being.
"Drained"
Peace
The feeling has come over me
I seem to remember
This sensation long ago
A calm feeling, a wave
Not breaking hard on the surface
Softly it sounds
The song of the tide
No wind
Light breeze
The wave breaks softly
Sun shines, its powerful light
The essence of peace
The calm in me
The restlessness, finally exhausted, but free
I am free of extensions
Free of the rush
NOTE: This is for my best friend Uli. I couldn’t afford to buy her a Christmas gift so this was for her…
"Sister In Life"
We have shared sad times, laughter
Good times and lonely times
Hard times that have passed
Times of turmoil and despair
We understand the human race
To be unusual, cruel
As so many lack humanity
Our love for animals is sincerely shared
Our passion for life
Lives long, grows strong with each day
We are both youthful,
Yet older, in our wise years of age
As we have learned wisdom comes
From our experiences
Our strength is unsurpassed
As we are survivors
Stronger we grow with each day
We are warriors
In this strange land….
Understanding, comes easily to us
For the most part
At times we have had to define
Understanding…
The meaning of friendship
Has touched our hearts
Has defined our ways, who we are
Where we are going in this life….
The path continues
Our footsteps, softly fall
Silent ears, soon open
Hope is still near, with us now
Reaching-for us…
NOTE: A few years back I felt the presence of my mother in my car with me as I needed comforting at the time...
"Mom"
My mother
Calls my name
Holds me close, envelops me
White clouds and cotton sheets
She is softness, she is with me
Ever protecting she is
She knows my thoughts my fears
She guides me in this life
She is my angel
My protection
She watches me from above
All those secrets I held so close
She knows, she cradles me
Rocks me softly with her angel wings
My fears washed with her tears
She is soft with her smile
She is whole-at peace
My angel-she protects
Forgiving, she gives me strength
She frees me from my battles
She holds my pain; she nurtures me
Note: An ex boyfriend...
"For Elvis"
I approached the destination with apprehension
My feelings were not realized
Dread I suppose or feelings of wasted time
My heart was opening slowly, pace of a snail
But the past few times
Well, they were becoming more familiar
The laughter, the jokes
The way you looked in my eyes
And still I remember
The first time you looked at me
So long a go,
Who knew
Something so wonderful would ever come to me
To us both
The eyes I saw that time, over a year ago
But, only thoughts I had
My heart was not open for listening to you
Or anyone for that matter
But someone whispered quietly to me
Maybe it was my imagination
Or souls that have passed
Nonetheless….
Now that I’m going backward in time
My mind is refreshed of the way all this has happened
I look at you and see a beautiful man
With such kindness and caring
Someone so much like me
If you have fears
Rest assured, mine are gone
In time, all will be assured, the trust
The deeper feelings, the love
Even though it seems enough for now
They will get stronger in time
Again into the past I delve
Snail’s pace has quickened
Was it the campfire I saw
The smell of the burning oak and maple
My head starting to spin
My vulnerability broken
As you reached for my lips
And kissed my neck
I felt as if I was lifted
To a higher place
And so vulnerable and scared
Then you tempt me with the hardness
Between your legs
My mind is momentarily confused
My own feelings stir, my desires
My head so light
I watch you with the children
My heart so touched
Gentle you are
I’m so amazed by you
At times it seems unreal
I cry, tears of joy and pain
As you bring so much of me out
As I feel the trust
I need this from you
Mind body spirit and soul
We refresh each other
NOTE: Here I go back into the flat world of depression
"Electricity is Gone"
Emptiness, strangles me
Suffocation, of me, I’m gone
The hold so strong, flatness
Tears flow
Never wanting to subside
No feeling, just flat, numb
Wanting to feel
Pain of loss and suffering
Memories come to surface
All the past, each tune reminds
Like a voice echoing in the night
Memories arise, stir in me, stalk me
Sadness, overwhelms me
Guilt, no reason no rhyme
Never seeing the tunnel, the light
Can’t awaken me
To refresh to change
I seek it I want it
Wanting to be free of it
It holds its grip
So tight, choking me
It’s hated, never wanted
Lasting forever, never an end
Flat, no lines
Waves, electricity is gone
Time is all I hope,
Only time is hope
NOTE: Sometimes when I go from happy or "normal" to depression, I feel a buzz in my head like lightning striking softly in my brain. Then the change comes…
"Buzz"
Razor sharp claws sting my brain
Cells wasting away fizzle
Power is losing low is coming
Buzz, oh the wonderful buzz
Feel so high
Buzz hang on
I don’t want to go there
Why must I
The dark place
It’s so sad and miserable so alone
I cannot see--a split second passes
Its done, I’m changed
Again and again
Endure, it will pass
NOTE: I saw a black snake in the yard….
"No Identity"
Black snake curling appears
My eyes drink in the shadow
Its gray black shield
Slithering through the green
Wandering, bloodlust
It thirsts for immortality
Immense strength
Creep along, quiet are his thoughts
No echoes stream to my mind
I cannot hear his whispers
His tongue wet with his saliva
It reaches to the air
The wind is in fury
No magic or mystic am I
Identity-he is lost as me…
NOTE: In August 2004 (another depression period)….
"Just"
Wanting to be alone
Not touched, no talk, do not look upon me
Sudden change in me
Guilt and emptiness
Sorrow, inner pain
Suffering along, willowing away
Breeze, blows my thoughts away
The flesh of me fulfilled
Aloneness returns
Sad faces all around
Quietness of the day
Clouds wisp away
Give into the darkness
Night will come
Suffering will go way
Dread of the pattern
Time
I can no longer bear this cycle of pain
The dread the illness
Sickness of the mind…
NOTE: More depression cycles.
"Cycles"
Make it go away
I beg for peace
Mercy on me, my soul
My heart aches, my mind so tired
No rest
I’ve fallen so weary
So ill of the game
Runs so deep
Concentration escapes me
Catch glimpses-another time, place
Send me away
Relief I need
Keep me sane
I fear the moon, the tide, the change
Nowhere to hide
Lock me away
Fill me with drugs, take this pain away
Why must i have these cards?
Always the bad set
Dealt away
Please help me
Take it away
I don’t want to go on
Give me strength
NOTE:I think I was outside and watching it get dark, thinking about how my life can change and in which direction I want to go.
"Evening Flash"
Small sounds find their way
Echoes at dusk
The stillness of the evening
As the sky gently comes to rest
My shoulders bear the weight of life
The race of humanity
Discoveries are found
Amidst the human debris
Yes debris in human form
Understanding minds link
The untold future to behold
The power of the heart, the soul
My fullness almost acquired
Future still to hold-arm’s length
Dreams to acquire
NOTE: When I’m outside I find peace within me sometimes. When I’m calm and mellow or melancholy,this is what I think about.
"Clouds"
Do you ever look at the clouds
In this big blue sky,
And see the possibilities of you
Dwell on yourself, imagine your dreams
Think of your inner fears
Share your mind and spirit with the nature around
The past souls of the departed
This earth goes on
But the universe above the sky
They say, it’s a better place
NOTE:Another day writing about the path. I was thinking again about when I was a teenager and how much loneliness I felt in fall that year.
"October Several Years Ago"
Anger and pain
Mixed emotions crowd my thoughts
Strength continues within
Aware, be aware
They will cut you
Tear you to shreds if you allow
They are evil seekers
Power suckers
Life they take
From you if you allow
Be ready be aware
No shields of armor today
The war was fought long ago
To shed to expel
To be free of it
Today is safe, heavy armor sheds
To breath, to live
I must let go of this
This past this fear
The inner child wants to flee
She must go home
Back to her shell, her armor
She is safe there
She cannot be hurt, torn to shreds inside out
The person who walks and lives
She is here she is alive she will protect her
If she returns
I will keep her safe and protect her from harm
Note: Just seeing a lizard eat a gnat...
"Untimley Demise"
The chamelion gazes
Upon his prey
Fresh black-winged tidbit
Unaware of his untimely demise
The heat of the August day
Blazes on, the heat unbearable at times
The air still, no sound for miles around
The quiet
The tidbit moves,
Stalls, as if he’s in a daze
Slowly he moves around, his wings are broken
He cannot fly
The slithering chamelion with eyes half closed
Looks as if he’s asleep
Hiding behind himself
Black-winged tidbit struggling to fly
As he sees the movement of his taker
The slithering snake-like tongue, reaches so quickly
The prey of capture, held captive
The black-winged tidbit
Met his untimely demise
NOTE: This is another one of my bad days.
"Sept 2004"
Darkness, there is no light
Tunnels and mazes are my brain cells
My mind is so blank, so flat
Emotion is gone
I have no feelings
I am drained
The electricity I seek is gone
The power source is all used up
This flatness, is the urge of life being gone
I’m filled with emptiness, only sadness and sorrow
Is all I feel
Blackness and bleak
Flat and numb
I have no caring in me, no worries,
I await for the light to appear to give me my power
My energy
I whither away I do not care
Note: Another from the same day. It was a little cloudy and dark this day.
"Flower Pot"
The petals are red
They arise from the soil
Vibrant, crimson, blood
Alive and strong
It thrives
Though the roots are crippled
Arthritic looking
Its suffocating deep inside
Its root system
Crimson begins to fade
Drained of color
It turns to orange
It’s wasting away
It breathes slowly, gasping for air
The suffocation is near
The crimson-orange leaves
Begin to crumble
Sounds like burnt paper, crisp and dry
The petals fall
She cries softly
No one can hear
She lingers, hoping for the crimson blood
From the decaying root system
Coolness and darkness appear, in the September heat
No one can hear her cries
She crumbles,
She drifts, her petals blown all away
She is gone
NOTE: One day I thought of this after talking to someone who liked to dance.
"Dance at Dusk"
Come dance with me
The night has fallen
The moon exposes the halo of love
Our bodies pliant
We whirl through the breeze
The air is pure
Lingering scents
Meadow flowers perfume the night
Moonflowers open their fragrant white petals
Dance with me
My hand in yours
Light on our feet-we seem to be afloat
The breeze picks up the scent of the night perfume
Our own scents mingle, as if we are in tune, our chemistry melds
Our thoughts drift, floating in the night sky
The creatures of the night stir, they sense our passion
They feel our presence
We dance, we breathe, we live we continue our journeys
NOTE: There was a deer in the backyard, the first one I have seen this year in our backyard
"Innocence"
Soft fawn appears
We speak in our language
Not knowing of this moment in time
Our eyes, thoughts so distant
We seem to be blind
The life around us, escapes our minds
We are blind
I cry for the endangered
Their souls abundant
The path, the destination
In our thoughts and minds
The softness of the fawn’s eyes
She senses us
She sees more than we know
Our tongues at rest, no words, we shall not speak
We are aware, as she is
Mysteries of this life,
The fawn senses me, my thoughts I hope
She is a gift to us, to cherish and hold
NOTE: I saw fireflies in the backyard in Wesley Chapel. I hadn’t seen these for years and it was so amazing to see them again.
"Green Light"
Green lights are flashing
Fading green light in the distance
Shadows fall; they peak through the night clouds
Stars above shine brightly against the black sky
The moon wears halos of pale blue and orange
Watercolors, gifts to the naked eye
Green lights flashing
I see their shape, the small size
Magical lights of nature abound
Fireflies
Buzz in the night
Memories of my childhood
Come to mind
Warm, safe childhood of the past
Fireflies, green lights
Sparkle the night
Note: Uli going through remission and her little blue hat she wears
"Fuzzy Blue Tea Cozy"
She wears her fuzzy blue tea cozy on her head
On nights when she goes to sleep
It keeps her warm,
She only has fuzz on her head
Sometimes I look at her and say, "You look so silly."
She smiles at me with her warmness
Coming deep from within her
The medicines have taken her
They have taken her long dark hair
Her dignity and her mind
They have taken her cats away and her home
Her animals are her children,
I look at her in her fuzzy blue tea cozy
It rests gently on her bare head
It keeps her warm and safe
For wishes of deep slumber come to her
She wishes for a night to sleep well
To rest and to continue life
I listen to her on some of these nights
I walk quietly into her bedroom
And she says for me to sit on her bed
And tell her my stories of the day
She listens intently capturing my every word
She laughs, she cries,
She reminds me of my mother
When I look at her in the fuzzy blue tea cozy
She gives me advice and love and hugs
She gives so much to everyone
Always a kind word to say
Never worries about herself
Always everyone else
The medicine-the chemo, the radiation
Has taken a lot from her
But it hasn’t and will never take away
The love, the caring, and the giving
She has in her pure soul…
NOTE: This one is old, and I don’t really recall the time I wrote it
"Mania"
Sanity
Restless thoughts enter through my eyes
Engulfed in confusion
My mind so filled
Words spoken
Become jumbled
Speaking my thoughts in pen
The ink flows
Words become meaning
Blackness is not my emotion
Today my emotion is purple and red
Vibrant thoughts
Happiness forms inside
Shades of bright neon colors
Glow in me
Afraid of the watchers
They know who I am
But they, afraid of me!
So I speak, I cannot,
Will not hide!
My tongue in spasm mode
Understanding of my thoughts
The realization of me
Who I am
Mania is me
NOTE: I have no clue about this one. I just wrote it way back when
"Stench"
I smell the stench
Of a fresh-planted seed
Unwavering aroma
Permeates the air
Sucking life out
Of all that is small
Dutifully; suiting its purpose
Arousing so many
All is close
The stench surrounds it
Like a fly clamped
To a fresh corpse
Ah, the stench!
We all must revel
NOTE: It was Monday, September 20, and as usual on Mondays, I had lots on my mind. My thoughts were racing a bit and I didn’t want to take anything to slow me down.
Stifle Me
Force upon me the pills the demons and dragons,
Effort to distract my mind trying to carry me away
Cover me up, Flutter and flight
Erase the thoughts I am scarce, as I want
Always taking those pieces away; Only my view
Chosen by some; without this
I am not, who I say , that pit calling my name
I cannot speak I will not give in
In my own language; I keep away
Rampant with vengeance sacred being that I am
Dismiss me, as I am no one
I am someone,
The worldview,
Their eyes and judgement on me
My blood; I give
You do not feel
Your expression, your way
My price and pittance I must pay
Who are you to say? This is this, what I may need
Alas they all Throw me away.
Do you know how it is to feel this pain?
NOTE:I had just received a call from Tony, a friend of mine, and it made me think about the newness of us and all the games people play…
"Tony"
I hear you calling my name distant it echoes in my mind
Stir in me, passion and desire;
Your words seem sincere
Yet, the games
Memories of yesterday’s words
They seem so real, so sincere
Stored in a special place inside
Games have been played so hard
Time; Only time.
But, what do I care
My heart is strong,
Words and games
My mind, my own
Sometimes so confusing
The games have made me
Stronger inside, intermingling,
The truth, tears sometimes, but, they quickly pass
Time passes, always time, I have no fear
As I am the survivor
This is my life; my destiny my way
The future, I don’t know
Tears fall down my face
Emotion is me I’m me.
I hear a song
I feel, I am, I’m me
I’m in tune, the words so powerful to me
NOTE:I was listening to music while talking to my best friend, and thinking of my mind-how it differs and how songs I hear remind me of memories of my past.
What is Normal?
Grandiose,
My imagination, my mind,
Am I an illusion of myself?
Am I seen, visible by others
Am I my own imagination?
Feeling the music
The playing of the song,
The sweet tunes
Past memories,
Swell inside my mind, my body
Deepened by these thoughts
I cannot stop my mind from working so fast
Thoughts come in rapid fire,
No ceasing
Fire burns in my soul in me
Wishes unfulfilled
The lonely emptiness,
Gaps to be filled by the unknown
My desire to live for life
Love life
Endless consummation of my own
I search, I seek, I dwell I delve
Deeper inside me
Grandiose, is me I am this creature
The word the thought the phrase
Note: Just one of those rare moments when I felt calm and at peace with myself.
"This Moment"
In breathless anticipation
I wait
Longing for the tide
Coming to sweep me away
Oceans rage, far away
Tranquil breezes stir my mind
The tide ceasing, and I exhale
Peace is with me
The time is now
NOTE:A coworker (Jean) mentioned that she had just run into an old acquaintance, who she knew from church. It made me think about the "crutches" the human race reliess on and about a horrifying, deep depression I went into years ago.
"The Crutch"
The differences, between us all,
I hear of religion, and of their desires, beliefs
And ponder about, what makes the difference
The growing of life stage, our minds our struggles
Our psyches, the illusion
What is right and what is wrong?
The quest for all answers,
None the same, freedom of our lives, our bodies and minds
Choices we make, reasoning not intact
What is right, who knows, who sets the stage
Who are they?
All the rules I must abandon
Intention am I a disease, an enigma
What must they think, must I really care
Life is thus short, burn no time
Wasted away, energize, focus
Tunnel from the pit, the sacred land
The passage of time
No turning back, only memories of that past,
The pit engraved in my mind, my head
Falling down, the hated pit, demons await
Disguised in misery, my mind
Frozen in time, why is this?
Repetition, of the past
Hoping and praying it doesn’t come back
That dreaded pit, forcing me down, making me numb
No feeling, emotion drained
I see that past, I embrace the memory
I hold myself, embrace my own
Tell myself, all is well, the pattern
I know repetition, it gives me strength
As the years have past; the pit and the demons
Were so long ago, but always with me
Burned forever in my mind
I’m ready; I know my strength has brought me, precious gifts
The armor I wear, unshielded to the chosen few
Contradiction is me
The time, the day, it’s not me who chooses
Someone inside me,
Something in me
My soul, the heart of me, I’m the twin, the other half…
NOTE:The inspiration: lots of internet dating-it made me see all the lies and the sexual yearnings of men.
"Candy Shop of Internet Dating"
Colors, bright blues, hues of lime and lemon
Longing for more.
Scents of sweetness linger in the air...
The sweetness lessens,
Dark skies remind me
Becoming sour and wretched
Disparaging thoughts, The rags the torture
Wretched souls, out of tune
Out of time, Out of touch
Musky, spices fill my mind,
Illusion,
Mixture of elements
Relentless passion,
Eyes, seeing, covered, hiding Empowered in me
Return, retrograde, escape
Time lost
Run away, be free
Sourness becomes repetitive
Return and writhe in the scent
All is time
The power, a mission ; All is lost
Time lost, wasted time spent
NOTE:After watching the biography "Sylvia," I thought of how well I could relate to Sylvia Plath and the likeness of our depressed minds. Sylvia Plath was my inspiration for this one; I had never heard of her before this time.
"Sylvia P."
Damaged goods
I peer into my own self, my soul
Of my own
Used, over and over
Aching hearts
Bodies and minds
Trapped forever in my soul
Emptiness strangles me
Aching emptiness
Forever searching
The other part,
The organs or pieces of me
Somewhere to be found
I feel your pain, your search
Not unlike my own
Understanding is known
As I watch you,
As I wish I could have known you
Instead, I will live out my life
Still searching for that semi bitterness
Semi sweetness
That is also part of me,
And what I seek
The other half, the missing link
The pieces
Make me whole…
NOTE: Sometimes I have so many thoughts spinning in my head that I need to fight with myself and rebel against my own thinking.
"Ricocheting Thoughts"
Extract the essence of me
My inner mind contemplates
The fight within, the mind races
The mix of emotion
The struggle to see
My own inner sanctuary
Diseased mind, rapid fluctuations
Thoughts unveil, the fight, flee
I rebel
There are many in me
Thoughts held in, caged the fury
I want to unleash, please exhaust me
Extinguish my fire
Drain me of myself
I plea
How I plea for help
NOTE: I was supposed to meet this man but he stood me up for our date, and it brought to mind how the world thinks only of their own desires.
"Nicholas"
Wretched hagglers, cling to life,
Having no recognition, for their own existence
Damn them all with hell and fury
How dare they, come into my life
The pieces they take, part by part
Yet,
I’m still half whole,
Reinforce in me, my strength
My heart does not bleed
My soul clings
My breath still found
My desire to pursue
The mortal soul that I am
Be dragged these wretched souls
And damn them to hell
My cup spills over
This bountiful cup, runs on
Never ceasing to exist
Hope clings to me
As a child newly born, clings to his mother’s teat
Destination in this lifetime
Who shall be the judge?
NOTE: Another Sylvia Plath inspiration: in the movie before she committed suicide, she saw the bright light in the hallway of her apartment.
"Likeness to Sylvia"
I see her in her light
What she feels
Her pain, her fear
She is emotion of many
Pain carries her
Her cause is grief
No boundaries are known
The fear she holds
Buried deep in her soul
Fear not Ms. Sylvia
Your pain has also been mine
I nurture it
Keep it safe
With me, it stays
It satisfies
NOTE: I was at Ft. Desoto (the beach I escape to) to be away from the world as I see it, to escape reality so my head can clear. I saw debris floating in the water.
"Beach"
The ocean tide
Rages its fury
The waste it spews
All that we have strewn
Over the tide, the current
Calling her name
Calling for her
The sea rages on
Bent on its own destruction
Its revenge
It weeps for so many
It sees us,
What have we done?
NOTE:After talking to a close friend about who we are, I always question my own ethics and compare the differences of my mind to most others’ minds.
"Illusion am I"
Never done in this world
The gateway to lost souls, come to me
Shapes and forms creep into my mind
No illusions
But then, what is it I see?
There are no words
As my own code of "Me"
My own understanding is hard
The illusion is you
Why do I seek?
Why, is the hated question
The answers, I do know
The fear in the reasoning
As so, like me, so misunderstood
Who do we seek in this lifetime?
What shall become of me?
Yes it is me!
I question it all, as the words do not exist
My own code, my ethics, me
NOTE:Thinking about the change in seasons when I get depressed in the winter or when it cools off outside…
"Time Passes"
The clock ticks
The minutes, hours pass
The calendar advances to the next day
The seasons change
Sense of being, or feeling
The dream state changes
Remembrance of yesterday today and tomorrow
Imagination pulls; the past times
Always this season brings the change
Time passing
But always staying the same
Repeating the past
Dreamlike, dé jà vu quality
Needed so
Without I would give up
Time, season the change
Needed keeping my grip
My sanity
Without, would be fear
Utter feeling of no control
Stability, safe and secure
NOTE:A guy I met from the internet (ahhhh, so much dating): he knew my level of thought process but tried to use it against me. He is a bad soul…dark…black…
"Dave"
Scattered beings walk about,
In wonder and amazement
Wondering what it’s all about
I see darkness in their eyes
The darkness is like a wall
That you cannot quite break through
The brown eyes
Thick spheres
Of depth and no meaning
I cannot see past your eyes
I cannot look into them and see your spirit
Your life force, buried like brick
Between layers of mortar
Your mind your walls thick
Unfolding of your thoughts not given to me
As you try to manipulate my soul
My inner being
I fight, I cover me
You are a taker,
A user of others’ power
As you gain strength from the strong
To feed your own inner soul inner being
Mine you will not have
I do not give you ME
But your level of understanding on the same wave as me
But I feel my gifts are too precious
My gift of me is not for me to give to you
Deserving you are not
My electricity my light differs from yours
You are a taker you try to steal my soul,
You are a user
My gift not deserving waste not on you…
NOTE: This one is self-explanatory…
"Myrtle Beach, S.C."
The red-haired dragon entered my mind
The sexless loveless creature of my past
To expel my thoughts of it
Afraid to ponder, the thought of it may push me over the edge
I don’t want to go there, my mood, my thought process in this moment
Cannot survive this now,
To gain meaning and understanding
The memory of this always with me
The sexless dragon, fiery breath, his flames burn me hard
Another animal user, in human form
He taketh from me my innocence
I run,
I sleep on the beach
I smell of pigs and foul
No escape
Refuge, I seek the shelter
The dragon’s lair
I hunger for forgiveness, I seek compassion
I’m only 13,
I’m alone, I’m scared, I’m full of guilt and shame
No caring around, afraid of going home
Why am I so scared, I do not know me
Who am I, my name just a word
My thoughts flat and dull
The red-haired dragon finds me
I’m another person
Not knowing me how can I know at the age of 13?
His human form takes me to another place
He maketh me ride him
I feel sickened
So ashamed, I’m bad
I’m sexy, I’m guilty I want it in some way
I seek love I seek warmth I seek caring
Confused in this daze
I awake in another room
Door ajar
Brown devil appears
Sexless brown devil in human form
I bleed, he does not care
I’m only 13
He taketh what he wants
He taketh me so fiercely
He is violation in me
He cannot see
They are all so blind…
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