Deeply From The Soul

"The Path"      Healing 30 years later, a book of life lessons...

This book is based on my life experiences and there are poems and daily journals mixed in, along with chapters of major events that have taken place so far in my life... 

Preface:  

The Path is a term I have used most of my life to define the reasons why things happen and it’s my view of how our destination brings us to what and why we are as individuals. This book also contains poetry and letters that I have written that I feel are an important part of this book as to define my meaning of life. Also contained in this book are diaries, or memoirs that are dated at the time my thoughts were expressed onto paper. The main purpose of this book is not only to share my life experiences with you, but at the same time to let you know you are not alone in this world. We can all overcome bad experiences. As individual as we all are, we heal differently, we feel differently and we all have ideas that are as unique as we are. This is by no means a self- help book, but possibly a guide in getting through life. I hope it reaches someone and gives him or her a reason to keep living, and to keep going on and to be able to find themselves if they are lost. I have been lost many times, but somehow I have had the ability and inner strength to come back... Most of my life I have been searching for something, I never knew what this search was, or why, but in the last couple of years I have discovered that possibly "the search" was ME, finding myself. I’m still finding me, I haven’t made it to the end of the race yet, but I will hopefully get there, before I depart this Earth. It seems that a lot of people have the idea that all the answers will come when they die. I used to also think this way. But now I firmly believe all the questions, the wonders and the unknown are here in life, in each of us, in our existence. There is hope, there is love and there is Life, we all must believe in something it seems to be able to confirm our existence. For those of you who know it all and who think you are doing well in life and do not question things, this book is not for you, as you have all the answers, or perhaps you think you do. Maybe you are the ones that live in illusion, or the dream state...But-Sometimes, I wonder if I should have been put onto this earth, or why I was. But, then again, am I really here? What I mean by that is I feel at times I may just be an illusion, or possibly I’m in a dream state. The beginning of life so they say is when you are born, when you come out of your mother’s womb, and you take your first breath of life outside the safety of the warm watery chamber you were housed in for 9 months. Is that the beginning of life, or is the beginning when we realize what we want, when we can define our purpose, our goal for being here. I’m sure I will have many arguments on this subject, but after all these are my opinions, my observations. Everyone is entitled to their own. Perhaps, life does begin at 40, or 50, whatever the old adage is. At this moment in time I feel life for me has just really begun. I have discovered answers and pondered many questions throughout my life so far, as I will continue to do so. I have experienced my share of horror or nightmares, much more than the average person could ever endure. So, this is why I sometimes question, am I an illusion, or am I really here on this planet called Earth.

I began my journey in Louisiana on May 31, 1961. When I entered the world I was handed over to The Catholic Diocese of Lafayette, LA, and adopted by a warm and caring Catholic couple when I was 3 weeks old. Thus my journey, or my memory or recall of it begins. I was always told by my parents at an early age, that I was adopted, and was showered with much love, attention and affections. My mother was a remarkable woman. I recall many fond childhood memories. You could compare it to the "Ozzie and Harriet" type of upbringing. My father was in the Air Force and was gone quite a lot, as a fighter pilot; he served his country for 30 years until his retirement at Madill AFB in Tampa, FL, in the 1980's. Both of my parents are now deceased, but the memory of them will always be with me, and also the memories of the most horrifying experiences I have had through out my life.

My motto: "Our footsteps fall softly, as our search continues in life..."

Chapter 1 The Beginning

The birth was a difficult one, as this young college student hands her newly born daughter over to the nurses in the hospital. Tears freely flow, as her heart is breaking, knowing that she cannot possibly keep this child and continue her studies. She is also crying as her mental illness markedly makes her aware that this may be passed on to her daughter. Hope is also with her, that her daughter will be cared for and taken in by a warm and caring Catholic family. Abortion was just out of the question as besides being illegal in 1961, it was also too much of a health risk. All these thoughts spin in her head, the questions she has asked herself so many times, and the agony of giving away your own flesh and blood, but then again, the love she feels for her child, her child, she must make the right decision and hope that her daughter's life will be a good one. She is aware that one day her daughter may come looking for her. But then again, who knows. Will she be prepared to forgive her biological mother will she be angry with her, for giving her away. Thrown out like a piece of garbage, trash that rots and has no worth or meaning. After all, her daughter is her own flesh and blood, how can you possibly throw your own flesh and blood out. She questions herself, wondering if she has any feelings whatsoever. Or perhaps her mental illness makes her feel this way, or think this way. She often finds herself questioning so many things. Will she look like me, will she have my eyes, my hair, and will she also have mental illness trying to rule her life. All she can do is hope and pray that her daughter has a good life. A better life than she could ever offer her. So the decision was made a few months after she found out she was pregnant. That night, she had known at that moment that she had conceived, she has always had sort of a sixth sense and could feel things more than most people. But, she never dreamed this could have happened. So many regrets, and the beginning of a life sentence for her. Her mind often tortured with this decision but now it’s too late, her daughter is gone, the papers signed, giving away her rights as a mother. The finality of it all. She gives her newly born daughter a kiss and says good-bye, as she cries, choking back the tears, the pain, and the sadness. The fear. If she would have known that her daughter would have suffered many hardships in a sexual and abusive way, I wonder if the decision would still have been made. Did she have a crystal ball to gaze in? ...

Chapter 2 The Realization

My parents had told me that I was adopted, as far back as I can remember, this was no secret. But sometimes, I wonder if they should have ever shared this information. Would my life turned out differently? Well according to my philosophy, everything happens for a reason, whether it be good or bad. Each of us has a destiny that is pre-arranged before we come into this world, it is The Path, our destination. The decision of telling me I was adopted was wisely put into place as the so-called experts tell parents to do this. I suppose one of the biggest reasons is, waking up one day and finding a paper that shows you are not with your biological parents, and what a shock that could be to an adult or a teen or child. The fact that knowing who you are and where you came from is an important one in my opinion. So I guess you could say yes, I am glad that they had told me this information from the very beginning. After all, self-discovery can be enlightening in either direction. Self-discovery, that brings me to the age of 10, we were about to move from Virginia to South Carolina and well I found out that I was beginning to enter puberty. I had experimented with my friends in a sexual content already and though I look back it seems like such a young age, but to today’s standards it seems I started late. We left Virginia and arrived in South Carolina within hours, and Myrtle Beach A.F.B would be our new home for the next few years. The beach was right across the street and I often walked there, and discovered many new friends. This is when my life had started to change or it was the beginning of my nightmarish teenage years. I’m pretty sure I was sleeping, but I felt something touching my vagina, it felt pretty good, and then as was waking up, I realized it was my brother, he was on the floor beside my bed, and I pretended I didn’t know he was there. This was very embarrassing, to say the least, I was 11 years old almost 12 and my brother was fingering my pussy. How sick is that? As I write this I find myself turned on by this thought, though it seems rather sick that this would turn me on. After all, I am human with sexual needs, right? Right. I did pretend to be asleep, because of the guilt and shame I was feeling. Eventually he left the room. But there would be more incidents and how do I know how many times and how long he had been doing that? Who knows? There were so many occasions that when my parents were out my brother would come after me when I was lying on the floor watching TV and he would get on top of me and say "This is how you rape a girl" he didn’t penetrate me but again now as I write this I feel turned on. So sorry, maybe it's because I love sex. Or is it possible that sex is what I associate caring with? I’m not sure yet. These incidents happened quite a lot and I never told my parents. They just didn’t need to know. I’m not sure why I didn’t want to tell but I think it must be out of shame and maybe they would think I was bad for letting this happen. I’m just not totally sure why. Maybe I felt that since they adopted me if I was bad they would throw me out. What goes on in a young girls head the confusion shame and all else. No answers...Well yes I had a body, and I was becoming aware of it sexually. I do remember many boys coming after me trying to get into my pants all the time. I remember one guy in particular, Danny, he would come to where I was babysitting and tell me that if he couldn’t feel me out that he would blackmail me-blackmail a 12 year old? In what way? I cannot remember but his threats always worked, he always got his hands in my pants. Geez, looking back it seems s crazy! I also remember my Mom coached a bowling league on the base and she had heard all the boys talk about me how easy I was or how they were always saying I was Lauri whorry etc. Well, I guess it must have been true. Man, I was always with a different boyfriend each week. I do remember that. But I didn’t have intercourse until I was 13 almost 14 I think. These were the days leading up to my running away from home so much. It seemed girls my age then were wild, I mean they had sex they got in trouble. Tori was a friend of mine and one night we found ourselves at the age of 13 with her black boyfriend and his friend. We went to their apartment, this was in Myrtle Beach S.C. and they must have been at least 18. They looked like men to me. Anyhow Tori and her man were making out on the bed and this other black guy was trying to screw me, I felt it just barely penetrate me and I called out for Tori and asked her to tell the guy to stop. Thank God, the guy stopped. He was big, not only in statute but also in thickness and I was still a virgin at this time. I was scared shitless. We left soon after that. I can’t remember much more about that night. Now that what I was feeling at the time this was happening so many years ago, and shame is the biggest word that comes to mind. Sometimes I still feel that about this incident. But it wasn’t my fault. I know this. It has taken me over 30 years to one day wake up and realize this. Oh no im not saying I obsess about any of these factors, I don’t whatsoever. I buried all of the bad times and some of the good times as they happened and I never had the insight into myself or the desire to rationalize all these things until later in life which is now. Possibly that was an incorrect statement lets just say I didn’t really think about these issues until the last couple of years or less. Its time that I did. I had to realize this myself. All of life's lessons have prepared me for the day to come that I dealt with these issues. I do not regret any bad times, any of it whatsoever. What I have done seen and felt are all part of The Path. I thought I had discovered the real me a few years ago after my second divorce but read on and you will realize this was not the case.

Chapter 6 Thoughts or New Lessons

As I sit here and think about it being Friday evening the end of January 2005, some things come into my head, which I really haven't yet given thought to. Real thought anyhow, maybe I’m just kidding myself most of the time; after all, maybe I am the illusion I speak of. I feel as If im non-existent at this very moment in time. Why? Well im bearing my soul in this chapter, so be ready for the ugly truth, even though it’s going to hurt I have to do it. I feel very fat, ugly and unattractive at this moment. I have been thinking about David, and I have never really stopped. I suppose since it's Friday and I’m alone even though I don’t have to be, there are plenty of offers to be had. But I do not want to accept any at this time. I have to think, what the hell did you do that makes him not here with you at this moment. We were getting along well having great sex and wait a minute, sex; maybe that's the problem. Intimacy in the physical sense comes way to quickly with me. I have the answers to that, I’m sure. In fact I have the answers, and I feel im ready to face them. The fear, of facing myself, and digging down deep into my soul, this is the hard part. As I sit here typing away while listening to Buddy Guy, I fight my own mind thinking that I have to think about this. Think about why I push people away, and I have to stop doing it. Yes, some still hang on, though at times I do not understand why. I really don't. I do things that are so inappropriate, I push, and I push hard at times. But, why? Is it really that I’m afraid of letting someone in? Or could it be that I’m really not Ok with myself? I hide behind my own shell, becoming a maniac at times, or just being so incomprehensibly obnoxious, because I need the attention. Maybe I haven’t learned the proper way of getting the attention I need so badly. So what do I do? I give in, I give in, and I give in to men. I let them take what they want, without a thought as to what I’m doing. I use my body as a trash receptacle, letting them take what they wish. I know this goes way back, but have I never gotten over my past. I suppose not. My own self-esteem, must be shot...I have none it seems.

Maybe I am still a child in my mind, taking years and years to learn the simplest of things. But earlier in this book, I have said, I have learned how to receive love, and how to give love. I think I’m still learning. Its possible that I have so much inside me so much of me that needs to be understood, how can anyone understand me, if I cant even understand myself? Do I lie to myself? Am I deceiving me? Am I going through another cycle? Depression, or maybe this is normal, how I feel at this time, I have no idea. To examine me to know me is to go back in time and think about what has happened to me. What the hell have I done? I’ve created my own monster-me. I fight with myself; I rebel against myself all the time. How strange is that? But, I do know, I feel, I feel pain, I feel emotion, I feel happy at times, I feel used, I feel like no one really knows me. Maybe, im feeling myself coming to life. But as I do know with my moods, this may all change, tomorrow; I could look at this and think, "What the hell were you thinking?" But, who knows. Tomorrow may never come for me, or for anyone for that matter. So, if it does come, I need to continue thinking about this, and try to find the answers inside myself. Quit pushing them away; let these thoughts stay with me for a bit. The healing process is not complete. Even after years of thinking, I’m ok with me, but I’m not. If I were, I would not be thinking these things, writing them and contemplating my next move. So, to get to the bottom of these issues, I need to look deep within. It’s so hard, I try and I run from my thoughts. I cover my eyes; I don’t want to see me. Imagine, running from yourself, sounds crazy, but it’s so real. Then again, I have been running my whole life, away from things, thinking I’m running to something but actually I must have been running from my self. I don’t know. Here we go again, the fight. What is so hard what is really bugging me so bad that I cant face myself? I give so much, so much, as I want to have them like me, so I feel I must give my own self away, but in the way of sexual prowess. Its always men that I’m giving so much to, not women, not even my closest friend. Yes, I admit that, we all know it's true. The ones who care about me the most seem to be the ones that I treat not so wonderfully at times. The ones (the men) that have come in and gone out of my life, are always the ones I have to please, why??? The men are the ones that get what ever they want; it seems, no matter what. Maybe I have something they want, yeah you guessed it, women don’t have dicks, so, therefore, what good are they. Unless they are gay which I am not, by any means. Wouldn’t that of made things quite different? If I was gay, then, maybe most of this wouldn’t of happened. Maybe then, I would treat men like shit and go wildly crazy over women that I met. But that isn’t the answer, nor would it make a difference. Because the one of the reasons is, and it’s odd, that I have always been attracted to men that seem or have a lot of issues or problems. I feel that I can fix them for some reason or another. I feel that I have to do what I can to make them better. So, this wanting to cure men, maybe I do it to run from me. If I am too busy fixing a man, then I don’t need to fix myself, or look at what needs fixing in me. I’m too busy to look into my own self. But, why men? Could it be that since men took advantage of me sexually at such a young age that my promiscuity started with that? Meaning that even then these men, these creatures, had to know what they were doing was wrong, and I was healing them by going after them and still continuing to do so? Well, what I’m trying to say is that I learned that their actions, or I knew their actions were not appropriate. So, in turn I was ready to heal them all, as twisted as that may sound, it makes sense to me. Maybe I’m not quite ready for all the truth but I’m trying, to figure it out. Making sense of it is not easy. So late in life trying to make sense of myself. It makes sense, the ones that don’t need fixing that are normal or seem normal I want nothing to do with...maybe its because there is no challenge or maybe its because they are not broken, so I reach out and fix a man when I should be fixing me. But maybe while im fixing them it’s my way of trying to understand me, I don’t know. What I do know is that something has got to change, since I always seem to be seeking, men, to satisfy me, to give me to them. But, it never lasts long, maybe it’s so complex that I cant possibly figure it out myself. I’m not insane, or whatever, crazy, whacked...Then when I write sometimes it comes across more than it really is, its the way I express myself, yes it scares people away at times. I have to stop doing this I need to change this behavior.

Chapter 7 Planet Earth vs. Humans

Another thought I was having today on the way home from work. Why are we all working like carpenter ants, soldier ants, just day to day our lives are spent working. Our lives, our lives. Perhaps, when the Earth was first established, how that was accomplished in the first place I have no idea yet. I do not believe that some form just one day arose and made a planet Earth and then all the others to fall behind it. How is that possible? How is that possible in this time and day? Can anyone on this Earth make a planet? Well I don’t know of anyone that can nor have I heard such news. My thinking on this subject is that, why do so many people automatically believe in an infinite being? Why is this? To me it’s easier for most to just believe in that. It takes no questioning, no guesswork, no thought really. Perhaps, they you, are afraid to ponder such wonderments. But for now I will get back to my pondering on the way home today. Well, my thought is that when the Earth started its inhabitants, the creatures, the animals, I’m sure roamed free to do what they thought they were supposed to do. Who knows what they did. Scientists are always coming up with their theories and other philosophers and so on so I will speak on this subject as well. I wont try to guess at what the inhabitants did on a day-to-day basis. I’m sure they did some form of work. They didn’t have stores to buy things at, they probably had to hunt and gather, and I’m sure the instinct to mate was instilled. But the instinct itself, how was that instilled. I’m off track again, pardon me. My point is who in their great mind so long ago, decided that in order for humans to exist we must create jobs and a structured environment. Who thought of that and why? It’s my opinion this earth has become too structured too ritualistic and too damn full of so many of the same morons wandering aimlessly day to day through out life. I pose the question, "Why must we follow the same path?" When you think about it we all do. I’m guilty of this too, the majority rules. So this to me is just not fair. But whoever said life was fair? No one I suppose. Just think if the person or the organized group decided that instead of a structured society, that there would be no jobs, no such thing as money no barter system. None of this at all. Imagine what could have been possible, and still could be in the future. Maybe, we all would have lived and survived just working together like some huge family. Sounds odd, when I think about it. Wish I could go back in time to seek how it all started. Just look at all the changes in the world, so many changes in my existence of 43 years. Too much it seems at times. It’s no wonder some of as are driven to drugs and drinking and abuse and counseling. Wars that have been fought for years and still continue. It seems to me whoever started this structured environment, caused a monster, this monster is called human...We are all capable of greed of deceit, wrong doing, destruction, and we allow this to happen to us and all we care for. We allow it! If just one person could get through to another person well that wouldn’t help. We are all so brainwashed it seems. If you look back in history as far as we can see, you will see the rise of a structured society and more and more anger, destruction, and war as time goes on. I’m not some religious freak by any means. I just want to have a nice life, and to live in a peaceful place. Maybe I should pack up shop and go to an island and live as a recluse, I've threatened this many times and probably will end up doing this one of these days. Maybe it's my mental illness kicking in hard today, leaning toward the depression end. But what I really think started this topic was a reply from the Publish America Author's message board. I was playing around having a good time and the post got into bondage and innocent sexual talk, well one of the other authors took offense and said that I was a wayward child, and what I was doing was wrong and that I needed Jesus in y life!!!! Please!!! There we go, a perfect example of a human relying on a crutch. Needing religion to believe in to make her life seem bearable, or to keep her from going off the deep end. As far as I’m concerned, maybe I’ve been off the deep end, maybe I’ve always been there and just don't realize it. But, its ok, If I do then at least I will have a much needed vacation in a mental institution...As life is too hard and too much at times. Working day in and day out getting nowhere Just think, I always thought what a waste to spend so much time working and not enough time enjoying this planet we live on. Does anyone ever think about this? Maybe we are too busy watching TV and hanging out at the bars and working to see the beauty on this earth. Working hard all your life to die. When it comes down to it is so true, we work until we are in our 60's or 70's and we retire, and then are too old to enjoy life as much...Why oh why does it have to be this way? Now, thinking back to the formation of the planets and how we all arrived here. Well, I was raised Catholic and am often told this is why I have the beliefs I have. Religion was sort of forced on me, I in turn did not force any religion on my son, and he turned out just fine, and I’m so very proud of Michael. Sure it’s the rebellion in me, but how can I teach my son of something I do not believe in? How is that right. Ask yourself, do you believe in magic, or your mother or father or religion, or what ever the case may be. Again, the automatic answer is Yes. Why? Because we are taught this way. What our parents tell us what the leaders of the world and country tell us we are taught to believe in what is said. It's easier that way, we don't have to think about it, the easy way out. Human nature seems to be always the easy way out in so many instances. But we have brains; brains are for processing thoughts and imagination. This is why we have them or so we are told, or so this is what we learn in school is it not? Perhaps, this is why we are so lazy, we have computers that take over our thinking for us, and we have machines and equipment that do so much for us. But again, there had to be someone working to be able to make these things available to us.

January 31, 2005

Already the end of the month still more dreams to capture, maybe I should just write poetry. A book seems like too much such a big task. But I will press on, as I would like to discuss pain and the ability to not care or to run from a close ones problems. Somehow it seems odd that we as humans can deal with pain and hurt of a stranger more readily than we can sometimes deal with the pain and hurt of a close one. This has happened to me in a few instances. First of all when my father died it didn’t really bother me. I was never close to him so its almost if I didn’t care that he died. My mom on the other hand was devastated. But I remember being kind of happy about it, well not happy but the thoughts I had at the time were well maybe I can do more with her and maybe have more of her attention. Something like that, so in my mind death was just like having a divorce or a separation, not something that had more of a permanency. So to speak. 0h I don’t know any other way to explain it. It was pure selfishness, that’s for sure. But I always felt that my parents wanted me in some way, sexually, which I know is not true. I know this goes back to all those past experiences with my brother and the others who took my innocence. Just looking at me if I licked my lips or something I was self conscience that maybe if I did that they were wanting me, crazy yes, sounds crazy I know, but those were my thoughts then...At the dinner table. Maybe it was reversed, or maybe my thoughts were as I was thinking they wanted me sexually but what I was really trying to say to my self or to figure my thoughts that I wanted to be closer to them and the sexual way or thought was the only way I knew a that point. So, while I was thinking they wanted me sexually, it was actually my mind telling me I wanted to be closer to them but the only way I knew how to be close was sexual, that is what I had learned at too much of a young age. So you could say I was confused, now that makes sense to me. If I knew then what I am learning now all this self-discovery, I would possibly have been a better person or better at communicating or understanding myself as far as men go and where trust is concerned.

Anyhow, when my mom was sick, I didn’t want to take care of her really, I didn’t want to be bothered so much, maybe that’s the way I deal with illness that when someone is close to me I deal with it in that way. Selfishness again. Someone will be taking my time, my space. Could it be I see that as someone taking more parts of me, and making me less whole, what I often talk about? Possibly...Then on to my best friend, it seems the closer I get to someone the less I want to give of myself, The root of the problem is I suppose distinguishing the difference in them taking pieces from me. As opposed to me helping them. So, when men take pieces of me im used to it that is what I have learned so long ago, But when someone gets close and I give to them not sexually but in other ways its the incorrect way, the opposite way of which I learned. Now this is really making sense to me, it really does. Example----Mom-----close, loved me no sexual practice=not giving of myself Uli----close loves me as a sister, no sexual practice=not giving of myself The many one night stands---not close, strangers, sex, =give all of myself in an instant Geez I will have to look at this and read into and study it for a bit...

January 2, 2005

Well, its been several months since I have added any pages for this book, and now I will proceed as time is on my side as the song goes... I will start with the most current events, and go backward to as far as my mind will allow for this day...But, wish at the moment time would speed up and I will explain why: Its already January 2005 and WOW, so much has happened in the last few months, some of which is spiritual growth and my lessons of becoming more patient now has partially come to fruition...I now know why I needed to learn this virtue and quick.... and how to keep it and to nurture it is another story but I must allow myself to begin writing again as it is my drug my therapy my need.... It also occupies my mind, well of course, further reiterating the lesson of being patient. We have all heard that old adage "Good things happen to those who wait." But, wait for what, and how long, and is there a guarantee of what we wait for will happen, and how do we know what we are waiting for? Most of us don’t have crystal balls that we can see into the future with, if you do please let me know, I’m willing to sacrifice my soul for a viewing if it means I can control my future and what happens next...I’m bored today, I’m un-satisfied with my life and I feel as If I’m being strangled in loneliness. Sure there are people surrounding me, and the dog is here, though she is not mine, I love her dearly, I take her on walks every evening as my love for animals is part of the reason, but it also serves as much needed exercise for me as well...Today Sky and I went on a trip to the Hess station on State road 54 then proceeded onto the new road in our development here at Meadow Pointe.... I parked the car and leashed her up and we proceeded on our walk. The sky is lit so brightly today, the blue reminds me of the "Blue Icebergs of Chile", just imagine icebergs the color of a perfect blue sky a medium nice blue topaz, ahhh, nature brings us so many beloved and gorgeous things we all take them for granted at times, at least I admit that I do...so, as we walked down the new road watching birds, of various sorts hover and fly past, the scenery mostly green and all the other earthy colors, im not good at explaining color, im not color blind by any means, but just cant express color....even though some of my poetry describes color its just there in a sense.....So, we passed only two joggers ,we smiled at each other as we passed...Stopped at one of the ponds long enough for Sky to wet her feet and get a quick drink, which I hope was safe for her she was in need of rehydration and well it was there...I started mind wandering as we walked, thinking about the weekend events and how much had been accomplished, though, I was supposed to rest this weekend, Hah, that rarely happens! Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind being busy, and busy I usually am It should have been my middle name.... Actually I have no reason to complain...Yes, I have been busy all weekend and have had fun and hard work to occupy me, but there is still something missing, and for the lack of a better word it’ s closeness...I have a need to be loved and to be held and to be listened to and understood, this need has always been with me at times the intensity is unbearable, today its kind of close but not too too bad.... I can deal with it. But, in the waiting game, I think maybe, all of life’s lessons so far have prepared me for what I’m about to venture into. Well I’m about to venture into many things, but there is one venture that I hope will be my last, and this is a relationship. As I said before I don’t have a crystal ball and no I cant see clearly into the future, but I do have hope, I’m 43, close to 44 and how long do I have to go in life before I end up with the man of my dreams? Hopefully he has arrived. If so, it doesn’t even compare to my emerald engagement ring my second husband gave me on Christmas so many years ago, as that ring was just an item, something to wear on your finger as a sign of love and intentions of sharing your life with that person. But, at the same time even though the thought of what it was supposed to mean, it is still an object a material thing. I thought I was in love with John, but maybe it was just a way of filling the void of being lonely. Maybe David fills that void, but I have to give it a try and time, it’s the only way. However, I do see many similarities in David that I see in myself, but they say "Opposites Attract", well then maybe opposites do attract but its only for a short time, not a life time. Maybe this is why I too as David has always had short-term relationships. I have explained to David that maybe the reasons we have been through what we have and all that we have experienced is for the simple reason that we were being prepared for the day to come that we met each other. Maybe im being too dramatic or too hypothetical this early in this relationship, but it’s a possibility, or maybe im hoping too hard that this time I have found him and he has found me. Back to the engagement to John, as anyone knows me, material things don’t matter to me so much. Even though this is a little embarrassing, John never proposed to me, and either did my first husband! Well, the first one we talked about it and it just happened. The second marriage, I told John that if we live with each other more than four or five years and we don’t get married, then its over, what the hell!!!! Is that crazy or what!!!! If you care and love someone that is not going to happen, you just kind of let things happen as they may. Looking back at that I think how ludicrous that statement was. And if I would have thought about it at the time I would have ended that relationship long before that ever happened. What is needed in any relationship besides love, caring, commitment, compassion, truth, honesty and the ability to give and to receive, to accept things as they are, well and to work together to find solutions for problems, to help each other in any way you can and to love one another unconditionally. To find one man that can understand me and I him, as any good relationship takes time and work, life has prepared me for just this. Hopefully my test is now and with much hope I will pass with flying colors. I truly hope so. Only time will tell. As I write this I have so much emotion spinning in my head, I have tears, I have pain, and I have emotion. Emotion, emotion, If I had one word to describe me it would be that word with a capital E. Maybe I’m so full of that "E" word now because I have been reading David's work, so eloquently written he is a natural writer full of imagination, integrity, honesty, passion and compassion, feelings and yes the "E" word emotion, he almost compares to me in a way that I somehow know what he is feeling, yes he has feelings, unlike so many of his predecessors, or maybe its just that they were only after one thing, using any means of talking or gifts or whatever, to get what they wanted. But this again "material things" they don’t matter to me...and only these the previous words (the heartfelt ones) are a few words to describe what I see in what he writes as well as what I’m believing him to be as a human being as a man. When I was reading his memoirs some of it made me cascade in tears, and some had me laughing hard, as laughing is also emotion. But what I see in David and what I hear in that warm sexy Italian voice of his is hope, he has hope of continuing on with life, he has his goals and his dreams to fulfill, and I know he is capable, of these accomplishments. Yes many obstacles in life thus far have pushed him down and thrown him hard, but he continues to live, to breathe to care and to have compassion, even for those who are less fortunate. But that all depends on the way you look at it. Is someone more fortunate to have love, and money and all they want and to be truly happy, or to think they are happy when they are really not, are they really in touch with reality? Or is it more fortunate to go on in life not knowing who you are, what day it is or why or if you even exist? I’m speaking of the severely mentally ill and the people who may be mentally ill but possibly may not know it. And I’m also speaking of myself and whoever buys a copy of this book; I’m speaking of everyone in this world. All of you will have your opinions and your theories, some scientifically proven I’m sure. But, you have to remember, Emotion, fear, rejection, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, all play key factors in our day-to-day lives, even in the mentally ill. The point is that anyone who clearly understands the question of who is more fortunate will certainly use or "feel" one or more of the above emotions. Yes, this whole chapter is dedicated to David Compito a man who I just met almost two weeks ago, and have had many long conversations with as well as some fantastic sexual encounters! You may ask isn’t that a little fast, my answer is no, life is very short you must take it all in quickly, and try to be patient at the same time, when you find someone that you can relate to in so many ways and vise versa, you just don't let it go. At first I had my doubts, questioning, should I continue with this very short excursion, I had many thoughts running through my head, like; Is he wanting me only for a backup incase he has nowhere to go, is he only wanting sexual satisfaction or just so lonely that he saw the loneliness in me and wanted to use that because he knew I would accept it as he knows the feeling of great loneliness as I do? But, as I have read, and retained, and talked with and listened to David, I find that he is really sincere, and that folks, is the thing the only thing in this whole wide world that can scare the shit out of me...The actuality of someone wanting me back as I want them, since yes, and I mean yes I am one of the most sincere persons you will ever know in your lifetime. My honesty has gotten me in trouble, and yes my emotion has too. Like David, we have had many bad experiences in our childhoods, and adolescences. We both know the feeling of abandonment and the feeling of not belonging, to anyone, or to anything. Can you imagine David without a Father in his life and well being a normal boy in his memoirs that I have read so far, I see nothing so terribly wrong in his actions as a child or as a teen. I have done much worse. But imagine being sent away for 4 years to some strange place at such a young age, and not experiencing any real family life, the way it is supposed to be when you have children. Dad goes to work, Mom stays home, cleans, cooks, takes care of the kids, Dad gets home then you have quality family time together. David missed out on this, and so did My Son Michael, but I made up for it in many ways to him over the years as I virtually raised him on my own, yes on my own even with two marriages I was the Mother and Father in both of them. I didn’t miss out on it however, I was given away by my birth parents at the moment I came out of her womb. But I was very lucky that the couple who adopted me were the most caring, loving and compassionate people I have ever known. So, why did I rebel against their love and all the family outings and vacations and trips??? This still haunts me as David's past still haunts him, and it will probably always haunt us. This is one of the things we have in common, not to mention the writing abilities we share and the need for love and lots of it and the acting out in inappropriate fashion to gain attention. We share a uniqueness that many people do not possess, nor can they possibly nor can they totally understand it. It is mostly the words I have described earlier...With this, I do know for sure, is that with time and nurturing and caring as David and I begin to learn more about one another, we have so much to offer each other in such a way that it is somehow meant to be. Crystal ball in hand, I see myself falling in love with this man so easily and so softly that it begins to hurt and it makes me want to run. The running away is what I did a lot of as I was growing up, I suppose it was fear then also of someone getting close to me then leaving me throwing me away like my biological parents did. So that fear sticks with me even now and maybe always will, This is why I think David and I understand each other so well we were both thrown out by our parents, tossed away by the people who were supposed to love you the most no matter what, unconditionally and without fear and to keep you from harm and to comfort you in your time of need. But how can we let this happen to us over and over again? Another thought is that David and I seem to attach ourselves so easily to others but yet in my case when they try to attach I run!!!! This is why I have had so many one night stands, fear of someone getting close and letting them get inside me inside my head, then they may have the power to cast that spell upon me, and I fear that...so I run so afraid of that "R" word rejection, because they know who I really am, a person with so much passion and feelings, and honesty and so much love to give but afraid to give it. You understand why. It’s because they just don’t have enough to give back, and if they did, it may be short lived, why put we through that? We know the outcome too many times and it hurts so bad that sometimes it feels best to just keep away from it. So, I told David I would write about what I thought of his memoirs and this is it, all that I have written in this chapter, and I want to tell him I’m not running, I’m hanging on hard and I don’t want to let go, I feel life has brought us together for the simple reason of helping each other and for love.

Chapter Of Sixth Senses

I will say this chapter is dedicated to all the people in the world with mental handicaps...The way I feel about having a sixth sense is basically and easy idea but a complex thing in itself. I have been blessed with this sixth sense for as long as I can remember; it’s actually a higher awareness that allows me and others to sense things more acutely than the normal person. Mixed with premonitions and a bit of esp. this is what I call a "Sixth Sense" I will have to explain to you what this means.

I will start with how mine developed and on to what I think happens to us who have this sense. When I was 10 years old, I lived in Virginia. One day I was riding my bike and horsing around and a little showing off I suppose, so I woke up in an ambulance some time later and wondered what had happened. I didn’t know where I was and why I was in this thing.... Well I had found out later that I had fallen off my bike and hit the road head first I’m sure it scared the shit out of my friend Jennifer Smith, yes I remember her name...She was my riding partner at the time. Very good at the old memory and the new stuff too. Surprisingly, I had just fractured my skull. But looking back after this accident I started having some mood changes, at the age of 10. I suppose no one took much notice of it then. Just growing pains they thought. I had all the tests done and was in a Naval Hospital in New Port News Va. Well the hospital at Langley AFB didn’t have the technology or the care that I needed I don’t know why. I must have been in the hospital for at least a week, I wanted to go home and I remember being depressed too now looking back, as when you are 10 you don’t know the word depression or the meaning of it. It' funny how I remember the feeling of being sad then and its the same feeling I have now when I get depressed. But when you are a kid, you have no idea what it is and how to explain it. So, after I got home I do remember having fits of hysterics getting very upset over things and having tantrums! Wow, now that I look back on all this it makes perfect sense. Funny how I remember all this. But I do, and I’m glad. I remember also before this accident that I seemed pretty normal, happy and not concerned so much about things. Huh, I remember hanging out at KK Wrights house playing that pie in the face game and I remember how I felt then, I guess its described as happy, content, no anxieties, just being a kid. No worries. Then when Jeff Bogart and his family were visiting, oh my second big crush!!!! I think this was pre-accident but imp not sure, and I have so many fond memories of Virginia. But things started changing soon after this accident. I became withdrawn and rebellious; I guess this is when it all started. For some reason when your brain gets rattled, I guess it does more than anyone knew back then it was after all 1971. Then even psychology was not even understood very well, but soon it would be at least the study and understanding of it was beginning to take root as a real condition, a medical illness. I started hanging out with a guy in the neighborhood his name was Allen I think, he was cute blonde hair blue eyes, the kind I no longer like...Just don’t take too well to blonde men anymore. Even then I remember experimenting with my female friends touching each others boobs, behind closed doors and well I’m sure that was a normal thing, part of the puberty process, yes I was getting boobs at the age of 10 and I had to wear a training bra I was so pissed!!!!!!! I dint want anything to do with it.... I was kind of a Tomboy then.... Funny I’m not now...Getting back to Allen. We would steal our parents cigarettes and smoke them, be mean to other kids, and I would get home late from school not caring if I was to get in trouble, which I was and got punished, a lot! Looking back I do see the behavior changes and I have actually been thinking about this for many years but never wrote about it or tried to put two and two together until recently when I met David, who had a brain injury a few years ago, and to top that off he had quite a childhood. So his was in reverse order of mine. As my childhood and teenage years were quite eventful to say the least. So, maybe I was experiencing normal childhood behavior but looking back as I have been looking back and still do and have been for many years now I see the connection to the injury and the higher awareness. I will explain now about this awareness. It is my feeling when your brain goes through trauma, some of us end up with more of a heightened awareness in the sense that we may become more emotional, more sensitive to things such as feelings in a way that ties in with emotion, what im trying to say is I feel things more than most people do, I become more attached to people than normal. I have a heightened sense of compassion or sensitivity in the way that I feel emotionally. I can look at a house in a neighborhood I know nothing about and I can feel what’s in the house, I feel either that the house and its occupants are happy good, people or bad. The vibes I get sometimes are pretty strong and can go either way. This also brings me to the story of Egmont Key. My second husband and I owned a boat and once we went to Egmont Key for the day, the whole time there, on the the way there and all that day I felt a sense of pure Evil, this was very extreme and I didn’t share it with anyone. I guess they are called "vibes" I had bad vibes about his island. I felt that there were evil destructive unexplained sensations from this place.... It is how it felt. I never wanted to go back there and I still haven’t and probably never will, it felt like it could take you and sort of suck you in, and in a very unusual way that I cannot explain. Eerie, very Eerie, as we left the island I felt shivers and just knew that place was cursed or something...About a year or more later one of my cousins was visiting from out of town and he had just come from his home in Vermont and didn’t know much about the area. He was interested in strange phenomenon; I didn’t know this as my cousin Steve was someone I rarely saw. So, he had a book with him called "The Tampa Triangle" I had never heard of it and didn’t know such a phrase existed or what the hell it was. I picked up the book and to my surprise it was about Egmont Key and the surrounding area of it. I had learned from the book that just like the "Bermuda Triangle" the same things were happening at and around Egmont Key. Can you imagine my surprise? Well I wasn’t that surprised as I have had these awareness things for a long time. Its also like dogs, they can sense things too There senses are more sharpened than humans, some can even spot a human about to have a seizure. Amazing. So, am I saying I’m related to a dog? No, but the connection between the extra senses are the same. Think about it. Also I remember a time when was at another cousins house in Massachusetts, the other side of he family. She was babysitting and I went with her (summer vacation) and the house was quite old hundreds of years im sure, and I felt evil in that house not the occupants at the time but I felt it was way way back possibly the first occupants of the house. Maybe they committed some unseeing acts or some sort of bad things had happened there, I don’t know I just felt it, and it was quite a strong feeling and I remember being scared of this house. This leads me to the premonitions, some how, after your brain suffers an impact some of us end up with the ability to see more clearly I suppose I need to speak for myself in this particular situation. But I do know that people with seizure disorders also suffer from mental illness at the same time. So, maybe im onto something. The premonitions I speak of can be dreams or a feeling that something is not quite right. Or a sense very strong about someone or something kind of like things you already know without knowing them. Even in the case of many twins, one may be miles away and be going through trauma or something similar and the other feels this at the same exact time. This leads me to say, that somehow we have the ability to be more open to things maybe as our brain chemicals may be enhanced somehow by injuries or genetics via twins or otherwise. I know there is a connection somehow, think about the twins that have this maybe its because the way they are formed from one unit and then split after growing in the womb and birth they still have the same sensory perception but split between them, maybe from over developed brain chemicals since you have two units that need supplying of dopamine and other brain chemicals. Maybe the act of the splitting itself could be the key. Maybe I sound unrealistic but im trying to figure this all out somehow. Maybe that fractured skull has caused me to be whacked and I don’t know it yet! But, also look at the people with Autism. They are extreme in mathematics and memory so do you see the connection im trying to make here? Yet, in other areas they cannot function does anyone really care? On to the premonitions dreams and likewise. The first one I remember is when I was about 13 or 14 I had dreamed about this house that I knew I had never seen and I had the dream many times, one day months after I saw this house, I had never been in that area and in the dream it was daylight that I saw it and when I saw it in person it was also daylight...Not that unusual but it was one of my memories. One other that sticks with me is the night my father died. I was at my new apartment, alone with my son, I was single at the time and I was writing poetry as I had an urge to do so as this is how I write. Anyhow, I was writing about eternal life and death and noted the time on the poem for some unknown reason I just had to put the time on it. So, later that night my best friend Marsha was knocking on my front door then my bedroom window trying to wake me up, it was about 3:00 AM and I thought what the hell is going on???? Turns out my Dad had a stroke and was brain dead in the hospital it happened about 7:23 that evening the same time I had written my poem about Eternal life and death. Well I didn’t have a phone so this is why it was so late. My mom had called her and I never thought much about it until a while later. The next big incident was when I was dating my second husband a few months after my Dad was gone. I was out shopping during lunch and all of a sudden I felt very disoriented and dizzy and I felt very strange. I felt something was wrong. Well come to find out later at the same time my soon to be second husband was in a car accident at that exact time that I was having these odd feelings and sensations. The last one I will share is when I was in a car accident, August 5, 1990. We were planning to go to a party at a Bar that my second friends owned, All that day I told him something didn’t seem right and maybe I shouldn’t go or we shouldn’t go. John knew I had premonitions and was taking it a little serious and even though I felt very strongly about the feeling I had, I told him well lets go anyhow and I will leave emergency numbers for my mom at the nursery incase something happened, Well the nursery said It's ok we don’t need the extra numbers that all would be fine, But I said, no you really need my Moms number as I feel something may not be right. So I gave it to them and glad I did. Next thing you know I’m in the emergency room at St. Josephs Hospital from a bad car accident where I spent the next ten days. My Mom showed up at some point she had picked Michael up at the nursery since the nursery was concerned we hadn’t showed up yet. Can you imagine??? But it’s true. So, my whole point is that people with head trauma, mental illness, or twins or whatever somehow, picks up this extra sensory perception. I’m not sure how it all correlates but I’m sure there is a connection. I have worked with a lot of mentally ill people to and it seems that some of their awareness’s are also more sharp in certain areas than the normal or typical persons. It all has to do with brian chemicals, I think if more time was spent in studying these brain chemicals in a closed study along with Autistic patients, brain injured patients and mentally ill and retarded patients you would find a lot of very unusual similarities.

Thoughts or a rambling I made into a poem:

The chapter continues, softly our footsteps fall into the eve, the light beholds a strange and wondrous being, our immortal souls, we dance upon the treetops of our thoughts we blend and we feel emotion is bearing down on us, we must capture the essence of us. Hold it caress it soothe it, do not fear in it. The awakening has begun, our senses sharpened our bodies in tune as one, what we feel what is, its new, it is the calling the destiny the path. Together we shall fall, and to fall is emotion and a fear, fear not the fall will be safe gentle and slow, time has told the time is soon, the destination as yet untold...

October 4, 2005

Well it’s been a while, and for the last few weeks I have been changing into this depression mode. Feeling at first very irritable, mood swings would be one-minute okay then the next minute shitty then back and forth. Just in a matter of moments-moods change quick and extreme, as I recall, apologizing to everyone at work, saying im sorry im just stressed. I can’t seem to help myself. How the hell can a normal person understand this? I can’t even understand it myself. I just know im so tired of it this life seems I can’t grasp normalcy. After the mood swings I cant sleep each set always this way, mood swings for several days then I cant sleep well for a few days and the depression starts in somewhere in between this then the panic attacks can happen, then the depression gets bad, and I feel so lonely and want to be alone no one around me no one talking to me or looking at me no feelings at all. I don’t like anyone…during this time I become withdrawn don’t want to be touched or loved just wanting to be totally alone and no one can possibly understand me, ever and I know this. This is the hardest part of no one can understand me life is so hard and now I just want it t o end. Why can’t I be normal? I know there is a normalcy-I think I have felt normal before or as close to normal as I can possibly be. Guilt and more guilt crowd my mind as I become withdrawn and seemingly mean spirited I don’t mean to be like this but I can’t help myself. Don’t know how. Flat and dull no feelings what so ever. God why must I be like this? Last week I had to call dr. Santana and he wants to increase my medication damn the medication im so tired of taking it. I just want to be normal. Then I feel guilty things could be worse but then I go into these moods back and forth of swings and im tired of it…so tired of this...